fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
