I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
