Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
