Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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