maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I am midnight drunk by noon
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
