btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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