just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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