Need sex. Gaining weight.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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