we have pet lesbian snakes
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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