mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
