Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
