I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
