Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
