Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
