Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
