im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
