I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize