I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
