I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
