My ATM looks so different sober.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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