I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Randomize
