There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
