Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
