The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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