I wanna bring you to show and tell
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
