Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
