took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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