I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
