my vag is so smooth its legendary
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
