just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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