I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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