I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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