Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
