I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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