ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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