Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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