He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
false alarm. still invincible.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
