saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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