Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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