Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
