There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
