it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Randomize
