youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
