I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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