Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
