So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
