this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
