Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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