Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
