I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i will never coherently bang her
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
